The Word "should" should not lead to feelings of Guilt or Shame.

By replacing the word “should” in my vocabulary with something else, I’ve discovered a newfound sense of freedom I never knew existed.

The word “should” brings back negative memories from my childhood. I was constantly told that I shouldn’t be so sensitive, shouldn’t feel certain ways, shouldn’t worry so much... suggesting that whatever I was doing was the wrong way. But whose wrong way was it? I wondered...

After doing some research, I’ve learned that the word “should” isn’t always negative. It all depends on how it’s being used. Psychology today

"Should statements" can create guilt, shame, or unrealistic expectations. For example:

• "I should be more successful by now."

• "I should never make mistakes."

• "I should always make everyone happy."

• "I should work out every day."

In these cases, "should" can imply self-judgment rather than helpful guidance.

"Should" can also be constructive...like some good advice.

• "You should wear a seatbelt."

• "You should drink water if you're dehydrated."

• "You should call your mom—she'd love to hear from you."

My goal in avoiding the word "should" was to reduce my self-criticism. If you are like me, you want to communicate more intentionally; you might replace "should" with language that reflects your own choices or values instead:

• Instead of "I should exercise," try "I want to exercise because it helps me feel strong."

• Instead of "I should finish this today," try "I'm choosing to finish this today."

• Instead of "I should be more patient," try "I'm practicing patience."

• Instead of "You should do this," try "You might consider..." or "One option is..."

If you find that the word “should” makes you feel stressed or not good enough, try using different words. At first, I wanted to get rid of it completely, but I don’t think that’s necessary anymore. I just ask myself, “Is this ‘should’ helping me, or is it criticizing me?” If it’s the latter, changing it to a more positive phrase can change how you think about things.

We can make a shift by using different words: "I should" to "I choose," "I want to," "I intend to," or "It would be helpful if I...," which makes their internal dialogue feel more encouraging without losing the motivation behind it.

Being free to live life on your own terms means staying true to yourself. Instead of saying “should,” you can suggest or recommend things without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Until next time...be well!!

Sue